When I heard I went through psychosis, I couldn’t believe it. I thought, ‘how could someone like me go through something like that?’ I was in disbelief. My depiction of psychosis was painted black. Everything I had heard about people who have experienced psychosis told the story that these individuals were failures and that their lives couldn’t amount to anything. I was only following what I had been exposed to, but I realized that was not an excuse for being prejudiced.
After experiencing psychosis myself, I had to recreate how I defined myself. I felt betrayed by my own brain during this time. My experience entailed extreme paranoia and dead-set thinking. I thought that I was doing everything wrong to make store employees and the police follow me. I was so fixated on the idea that my mother was a narcissist. I screamed at the top of my lungs at my father, who is one of my favorite people and was just trying to help the situation. No one in my or my then-partner’s family fully understood what was happening. Before this, they did not have any first-hand experience with psychosis. I still believe more education for them and me could be helpful to fully understand my actions during that time.
To be honest, I do not remember a lot from my experience with psychosis, except for bits and pieces. Everything seemed to contribute to my paranoia about the police. After shopping at six in the morning, I got in my car to leave and a black SUV followed me out of the parking lot. In Michigan, where I am from, the police drive these kinds of cars. I turned into a hidden construction site, thinking that the black car would not follow me if they were heading somewhere in particular. However, the black car followed me! That was confirmation in my head that it was the police following me to see where I was going. I also had an appointment with a PTSD Specialist during this time because I had endured a terrible car crash about nine months prior. She had police paraphernalia all over her bookshelf. I wouldn’t have believed this if I had not taken a picture to reference later. I am glad I took the picture because that made me believe that maybe I just was perceiving things poorly.
My father was an immense support throughout my healing process. He was the one who came up with the idea that maybe all these experiences were actually happening, but I was interpreting them as the police following me and knowing everywhere I go! After being diagnosed with having experienced psychosis, I realized I was not immune to anything. After enduring extreme internal turmoil because of what I had said about my mother, and the idea that I went through something so despicable and screamed at my father, I realized about a year later that there was no point in guilting myself about this experience. It was not something I had intentionally put myself through. The experience of psychosis and persistence has made me even stronger, and I am grateful to have endured it since I am now aware of the struggles associated with psychosis.
My biggest piece of advice to someone who recently endured psychosis would be to practice self-compassion. This is way easier said than done. It will take time, but you will progress so much after doing so.